


You Must Be Ducking With Me!

by crossroadswrite



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Derek has a duck, Fluff, Getting Together, Graphic Depictions of Duck Hate, Humor, M/M, Pining Stiles Stilinski, and yes all the hales are alive this is happy Derek fiGHT ME, it's kinda murderous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-26
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-25 22:44:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3827725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crossroadswrite/pseuds/crossroadswrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What is that?”</p>
<p>“It’s a duck,” Derek deadpans, “I’ve told you about him a bunch of times Stiles.”</p>
<p>Stiles blinks down at the duck. An actual honest to God duck. Derek has a duck.</p>
<p>“You have a duck.”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Stiles opens his mouth, probably to say something idiotic and make bad puns about ducks and dicks but he doesn’t have time because the duck does this quack/screech that’s like a battle cry, beating his wings threateningly dives straight for Stiles.</p>
<p>Stiles squeals in a very manly not at all like a five year old fashion and takes off down the hall. He sees more than one camera go off by the time he makes it to the entrance door and down the street, the duck still chasing him and Derek chasing them both.</p>
<p>And that’s the story of how Stiles became sworn enemies with a duck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Must Be Ducking With Me!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KuriKuri](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuriKuri/gifts).



> This was one of those this escalated quickly situations. It started with baby!derek helping ducklings across the street and suddenly there's 2k of silliness.
> 
> I blame everything on KuriKuri.

Today is the day.

Stiles is prepared, he’s ready, he’s pumped, he’s going to finally do it.

He’s going to confront Derek about all the dick messages he’s been getting and demand a date. Not _ask_ , demand. Like the Spanish inquisition demands answers!

He grabs his keys and marches towards the door with purpose. He’s a man on a _mission_. And his mission is to get Derek Hale’s booty. He’s determined

He throws the door open and steps outside, chin held high to brave the world for all of three seconds.

“ _Oh God.”_

Stiles stops fingers still clutching the handle tightly and not letting go. He quite literaly holds himself back from braving the world because _this is terrifying_.

He can’t do this. He can’t just strut up to Derek Hale’s dorm room and knock on his door and demand a date. It’s _Derek Hale_ , who is most possibly the most gorgeous human being Stiles ever had the pleasure to lay eyes on.

Derek Hale is the kind of guy that gets hit on by drunk sorority girls at parties and then _takes them home_ and calls one of their friends to make sure they don’t drown in their own vomit or something equally disgusting.

Derek Hale is the kind of guy that can punch you in the face and your immediate response would be _thank you_.

Stiles has intimate experience with that last scenario. Once Derek accidentally elbowed him in the face and it was _awesome_. Well, the nose bleed he’d gotten had decidedly not been awesome. Or even the pain. Pain was never awesome in Stiles’ book (not _that_ kind of pain anyway).

What had been definitely awesome was the way Derek had offered to take him to the hospital and when Stiles refused – ‘cause really he smacks himself in the face and bleeds on a weekly basis this is a normal occurrence for him – he’d held his hand and did first aid with his little stupid first aid kit that he had for some godforsaken good samaritan reason.

Stiles will forever be upset at how adorable Derek Hale is. It’s truly offending.

“Going to see Derek again?”

“Hell yeah. Today is the day, Scotty! I’m going to go over and sweep him off his feet!”

“That’s the spirit, bro,” Scott smiles lopsided at him, “Now all you need to do is get out of the house and actually do it.”

“I am! Today is the _day_. The d-a-y, the time to finally-“

“Stiles it’s the fifth time you opened the door to go today.”

“Those were practice runs. This time is the time!”

Stiles sways on his feet a little forward, his hand refusing to let go of the handle.

Scott sighs and pats his shoulders.

“Why don’t you just text him?”

“Or I could just text him! Scott, buddy, this is why you’re my favorite.”

Stiles swipes his phone out of his pocket and quickly texts Derek, ignoring the last message he has on screen from him because he can’t. He just can’t right now.

(The message reads: _Sorry my duck is getting annoying, I’ll need to take care of it. Be back in half an hour._

Stiles just assumes Derek’s autocorrect keeps changing the word dick for duck, even if everything else is spelled correctly and it’s just- it’s just _not fair_ because he never acknowledges this in front of Stiles and he doesn’t know if it’s some weird Hale quirk or if it actually means something.)

He decides to shoot a simple, quick text. Straight (eh straight, they’re certainly not hoping for that) and to the point.

It takes him twenty-seven minutes to word it perfectly and the only reason why it doesn’t take him longer his because Scott is actually an evil little hellhound and steals his phone. Just like that. Like life is _that_ easy.

It’s not. It’s not because-

Stiles’ phone chimes with the reply and he nosedives into the couch for it with all the elegance of a swan. A limp, perpetually drunk swan but a swan all the same.

_Sorry, can’t tonight. I’m in charge of the duck. I’m taking it to the park for a walk, but rain check on that?_

Scott peeks over his shoulder and makes a face, Stiles doesn’t even have to look to know that he’s making a face because he’s making a face too and growing up together made them be weirdly in sync like this.

“Who even takes their dick for a walk? Stiles are you sure you wanna date this guy, he sounds weird,” Scott tells him apprehensively, putting a sensible hand on Stiles’ shoulder.

Stiles answers by face planting into the coach and groaning his woes into the Doritos smelling cushions.

«»

When Stiles was seven he broke his arm because stupid Jackson had dared him to go into an old haunted house saying it was haunted.

Stiles went in just because he was curious to see if it was actually haunted and of course he fell from the second floor to the first because the floor was rotting and falling to pieces and he has never been careful enough with his curiosity.

It’s the same curiosity that leads him to Derek’s dorm room, knocking on his door because he needs to put an end to this. He needs to confront Derek once and for all about his dick and all the texts he’s been sending Stiles.

And maybe Scott triple dog dared him to do it, so what. It’s not like Stiles is childish and can’t resist a triple dog dare.

(It is. That’s exactly what’s happening.)

Whatever. The point is: it’s his reckless curiosity that puts him in the spot he is right now and that is staring down at a duck that looks about ready to rip out all of his important bits and display them in a museum with _veni, vidi, vici_ emblazoned underneath.

Seriously, the look he’s been given right now is straight up _murder_ and once he spilled sticky juice all over Cora Hale he knows about murder looks.

“What is that?”

“It’s a duck,” Derek deadpans, “I’ve told you about him a bunch of times Stiles.”

Stiles blinks down at the duck. An actual honest to God duck. Derek has a duck.

“You have a duck.”

“Yes.”

Stiles opens his mouth, probably to say something idiotic and make bad puns about ducks and dicks but he doesn’t have time because the duck does this quack/screech that’s like a battle cry, beating his wings threateningly dives straight for Stiles.

Stiles squeals in a very manly not at all like a five year old fashion and takes off down the hall. He sees more than one camera go off by the time he makes it to the entrance door and down the street, the duck still chasing him and Derek chasing them both.

And that’s the story of how Stiles became sworn enemies with a duck.

(That goose spawn of a duck even gets to be carried in Derek’s strong arms. Which is not fair, Stiles is the one that was pursued by evil incarnate. He might be in _shock_. He should be the one Derek carries heroically back home and oh great he’s jealous of a _duck_. Figures this would be his life.)

«»

“It’s not Louie’s fault,” Derek excuses, petting the thing, “he was just trying to say hi.”

If the look _Louie_ is giving him he was absolutely not trying to say hi. Unless he was trying to murder Stiles so he could say hi to his good friend Death when it came to collect Stiles’ soul.

“You named your duck after one of Donald Duck’s nephews?” he asks, the thought suddenly occurring to him and how unfair and endearingly adorable it is that Derek named his murder duck after a cartoon.

Derek blushes a little and mutters a very unconvincing “No.” so of course that Stiles steals his laptop and makes him sit his butt on the couch so they can marathon Ducktales.

_Louie_ sits on Derek’s lap the whole time, making threatening sounds and biting Stiles’ hands when they get too close.

«»

Not everything is as lost as he thought though.

Derek Hale does agree to date him, which in and on itself is pretty fantastic. So fantastic that Stiles checked him for fever and asked if he was drunk before kissing the breath out of him.

 What’s not as fantastic is that now that he’s in this relationship for good – and Stiles is in this relationship for good okay, he was a seven year plan don’t fuck with him – he needs to be _nice_ to demon spawn, no, _Louie_.

He needs to be nice to _Louie_.

Which, admittedly, demon spa- Louie makes very difficult, you know, with his general murder tendencies and monopolization of Derek.

Sometimes Stiles will come over to see the duck sitting on Derek’s lap and refusing to budge for _hours on end_. Sometimes when they do get him to move the duck just trails after them. Creepily so.

Once it followed Stiles into the bathroom, and Stiles hadn’t even noticed until he was already inside and had closed the door. It had then proceeded to sit on the toilet and make the most awful duck screeching sound like it was invoking Satan, daring Stiles to get closer.

Stiles was forced to go to the bathroom in the hipster coffee shop a couple of blocks over and had to buy an overpriced beverage so it wouldn’t be rude. It tasted like shit, but he figures that it was better than death by duck.

Sometimes it’ll just watch him from afar. Staring. Waiting. Plotting.

Stiles knows when something’s out to kill him and that duck is out to kill him but alas he has to play _nice_ because this is like a test run for their future ki- kittens. Kittens, yup that’s what he meant to say absolutely. Because they’re in college and it’d be ridiculous for him to be thinking about anything else.

He really hopes those kittens don’t just stare at him from the doorway of Derek’s room, judging him while Stiles is trying to sex his boyfriend up. Or bright and early in the morning when Stiles’ mind is still sleep addled and the first thing he sees is Louie’s murder face.

He has a _plan_ okay, and maybe his plan involves a lot of bribing and maybe some mild threatening.

He’s been dating Derek for approximately three months and Louie has started yielding inch by painful inch.

Stiles has a divine move planned, okay. It’s going to be epic. It’s going to bring that duck to its knees. It’s going to be expensive and make his little college broke wallet cry.

But it’s going to be worthy it! He can feel it.

Stiles kicks the door of Derek’s apartment in holding more or less six bags full of bread, small little mollusks and various disgusting sea thingies.

Louie is of course waiting for him. Waiting, always waiting for the right moment to strike and _murder him_.

Stiles cracks his neck and rolls his shoulders, Louie responds by arching its wings high, like this is some kind of Mexican stand-off and only one of them will be able to leave this place with their life.

Stiles drops the bags and lets some of the food spill onto the floor, maintaining eye contact with the duck.

“Listen here buddy, you and I will have to come to an agreement because I’m in this for the long haul and out of the two of us I’m the one with longest lifespan and I _will_ outlive your ass, got it.”

Louie ruffles his feathers at him before quaking once, significantly less threatening than normally.

It feels like they reached a mutual agreement, like all that the godforsaken duck needed was reassurance that Stiles had no plans to break Derek’s heart and food to last him two years.

“Good then,” he nods, “have at it, dude.”

He swears the duck rolls his eyes at him before digging into the goodies Stiles bought for him.

Stiles very carefully steps back so he can do his little victory dance and promptly loses his balance and falls into Derek’s arms. Nothing out of the ordinary there, he’s been falling for Derek for months, even years if we’re being completely truthful here.

“Hi,” he grins up at him, “guess who conquered the duck of doom!”

“You’re in this for the long haul?” Derek asks, sounding a little bit awed, magical green eyes open a little wide and vulnerable.

“Obviously. No one would put up with the murder duck if they weren’t invested.”

Derek looks offended in Louie’s behalf for all of ten seconds before his face clears and he grins down at Stiles, eyes crinkling adorably at the corners and Stiles needs to put his lips there.

“I love you, too,” Derek tells him easily, like they’ve been saying it for months. Like it’s _that easy_.

Stiles chokes on his spit a little bit, heart beating double tempo, “Yeah, I love you.”

Derek pulls him up just as Stiles is pulling him down, so obviously they fall into a heap on the floor.

It’s all okay, the bruises are worth the make out session and Louie doesn’t even interrupt them this time, life is pretty great.

(Later, Stiles even convinces Derek to put on their engagement party’s invitations that one picture where Stiles and Derek are a little drunk and duckfacing at the camera with Louie between them, clearly judging their life choices.)

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact: the murder duck idea came from an actual duck my grandma owns and I swear everytime I go close to that thing I can feel it thinking about the best way to kill me and hide my body. It's absolutely terrifying. Since I met it I haven't trusted ducks ever again.


End file.
